dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
