There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
