That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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