dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It was confusing and full of hummus
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
