I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
