You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Randomize
