I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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