You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
