My liver just broke up with me...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
