I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
