The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
