I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
