dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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