my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
