Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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