So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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