i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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