Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
