I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
