We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
