dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
