Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
