OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
