Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
