I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
