She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
