11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The beer is more important than you right now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
