Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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