It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
