u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
this hospital has no fireball
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
