Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
