Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
