no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
