I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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