: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
