Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
