I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
