i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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