Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
