do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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