2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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