Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
