It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
