I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
