So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Houston, we have a blender
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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