I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
