I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
