it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
