No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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