I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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